The side-effects of parenting

When I was deciding what to write about this week, I was close to going down the route of being a working parent and the whole lack of sleep thing. In all honesty, it was just going to end up as a massive whinge about how exhausting this all is and really, who wants to read about that? Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere! So, I've decided to be a little more light hearted about the whole situation and laugh about it instead! Feels strange to say I've been a parent for over 5 years now and these are some of the main unfortunate side effects. Basically, annoying parenting things made to sound like illnesses...although some could be dinosaurs... 

Washing-all-the-time-irus

Clothes, dishes, the floor in the restaurant you took the kids to, after most of the meal ended up on the floor. Yep, if your washing machine isn't constantly spinning and you haven't wiped up your baby's regurgitated crusty tomato puff from the highchair, are you even a parent though? 

Pick-out-the-bits-osis 

Requirements: magnifying glass, rag to mop sweat from brow, patience of a Saint. 

Blackcurrants in the blackcurrant jam, rosemary on the roasties, peas in the risotto. After a good 20 minutes of searching and dispatching of bits then proudly presenting bit-less meal, expect your eagle eyed beasty to shout 'I found a bit! Can you get it?'. Stay strong- you're not alone! 

Plastic Crap-itus 

Potentially the most audible side effect. Sounds of annoyance range in pitch and frequency but are ultimately expressed when treading on plastic crap, finding plastic crap in your footwear or the crescendo- screaming that you've had enough of the plastic crap and throwing it all the bin... Only to buy more to appease the beasties on your next outing. 

Swelling

Side effect has a number of causes. Swelling may be caused mostly by pride or overeating. Side effect will continue throughout your children's childhood and is at its peak during events such as first smile, first word spoken, sports day and continuing to exercise your right to two breakfasts. 

Cooking-meals-no-one-likes-rsym

A frustrating side effect that is difficult to avoid. Tends to rear its ugly head when children have learnt to say 'no' and continue until they leave home. Condition is incredibly subjective but safe options (for when there's no wine around) tend to be cheese or carbohydrate based. Perfect for encouraging aforementioned swelling! 

Mess allergy

Do you break into a sweat as the toy box lid opens? Do you clench your teeth when the box of crayons is tipped upside down to find the pink one that isn't even there? Do you itch as food is hurtled from the highchair (but your forced to just observe- you have to let them explore, it's a good sensory experience they said)? No antihistamine to cure this one, I'm afraid. 

Let's-walk-even-slower-injury

Expect to become a professional motivational speaker within a couple of trips after deciding to go cold turkey with the pushchair.

Outloud: 'yes! You can do it, we're nearly there! Just around the corner, well done!' 

Inside: come on, is it even possible to walk any slower. I think we should just give up and sit here on the pavement forever.

A scooter actually makes things slower...

Hiding-my-treats-ache

Having children means sharing treats but sometimes, just sometimes working out how to split that chocolate bar into 'fair' portion sizes is just one sum too far. Perfectly acceptable side effect: your own personal stash of 'it was a hard day, I deserve this!' 

Repetitive-pick-it-up-again-syndrome

Side effect most commonly identified by bending down again, and again, and again to retrieve a dummy, maraca, soft toy or favourite household item moonlighting as a plaything. Often met by heckling, laughing and screams of excitement at this wonderful new game of parenting torture. 

By no means a definitive list but feel safe in the knowledge that your side effects are a perfectly normal result of parenthood. Prescribed coping methods include deep breathing (large sighs), forced enthusiasm for PVA glue and glitter and referring to mess as abstract art. 

8 wonderful things about a heatwave when you have children

It is inevitable; in the UK, after a few days of soaring temperatures, we seem to forget we live in a country of unpredictable weather and grow a little overconfident that the heat is here to stay. Clearly a typical Brit I was brave enough (and stupid) to leave the house this morning without an umbrella and souwester, brazenly strolling into town in palazzo pants, sandals and a T-shirt.
I was punished for my brash behaviour with a downpour on the way home. I hurriedly made a makeshift cover for Florence with a blanket whilst watching other unsuitably clothed people dashing for cover. However, for once the rain has been welcome! The last few days have been on the warm side. Great for improving the tan, not as much fun with babies or children to keep cool when as a country, we're so unprepared for any type of extreme weather. These are the best bits about a heatwave when you have children:

1. Applying suncream 

We know why we apply suncream, I'm more than grateful for its existence but WHY does it need to be so sticky and awkward? The morning suncream application is left until a few minutes before we leave for the school run to avoid greasy marks on the doors. After a day outside, running around, making dens, playing hide and seek, you are guaranteed to find the suncream you applied has gathered in creases. Neck creases, arm creases, along with perhaps some stray hair, residual food and dirt. Just lovely.

2. Sweat 

Adding to the lovely layer of sticky suncream, just what you need is sweat. Clammy, wet hands clutching yours to cross the road and wet hair clinging to the nape of your baby's neck make cool baths before bed essential!

3. Cuddles 

Why does hot weather make children more clingy?! I love cuddling my girls but a heatwave makes it difficult to hold your children and not perspire furiously. Florence is especially clingy wanting to feed more frequently. I've actually had to wipe my arm with a towel as if I had spilled water there!

4. Fighting for the fan 

The hot weather can bring out the irritable side in all of us and petty bickering can be brought about when deciding who is the hottest person and should have the fan first.

5. Pram parasols 

Bane of my life! You get the shade at just the right angle as you go out, excellent. Walking along and you take a turn, left or right; bam, full on sunshine right into the pram! Argh! Time to stop and twist and turn the parasol, tracking the sun to work out where it should go. It ends up sticking out of the side of the pram taking up the whole pavement.

6. Insects 

"Mummy, get the moth! I don't like moths!" "Mummy, I saw a flying spider by the window" Having all the windows and doors open in the hope a non existent breeze floats through comes a price. That price is bugs! Sometimes I have to remind myself I'm the adult and I'm responsible for the reassurance and capturing- even though I hate moths too!

7. Mealtimes

Seriously, who wants to cook during a heatwave?! Without children, it doesn't matter so much. You can eat what you like, when you want. However, children need meals and trying to come up with nutritious, minimal effort/no cooker dinners in hot weather is hard! We seem to end up grazing and snacking throughout the day and eating a lot of Isabella's favourite thing, sandwiches- horray!

8. Bedtime 

"But it's hot and sunny still!" Yes, yes it is but it's still bedtime!! Once we've bartered and finally agreed on an additional half an hour of playtime, it's into (or onto- who wants a quilt on in the heat?!) bed with the fan full on. After managing to stay relatively cool, the fan is sacrificed to of course, keep our darling children cool whilst mummy and daddy sit downstairs staying as still as possible to avoid overheating!


And then just like that, summer ends with a downpour. After moaning about the heat, we lament its passing and wish the rain would stop again after once agreeing "oh yes, it's good for the garden". Thanks summer 2017, it's been a blast- now, where's my woolley jumper?

Back to work & the 'b' word

It's Tuesday morning and I've left the house; notepad, lunch (I WILL pre-prepare and not spend a fortune), water bottle (a posh one with built in straw as that's what makes you drink more water, right?), breastpump (always tell everyone in the house when you sterilise the night before- the peanut butter knife is not welcome in the washing up bowl!) and a minor case of nerves. The kind I imagine you get the second night of performing a stage show. Not as bad as the first night because you've done it before but you know it won't be exactly the same this time around.

My first full day back at work! 

We've never exactly done things the conventional way. Lee and I aren't married (scandalous!) and after having Isabella, I was the one to return to work full time whilst Lee worked weekends. At the end of the day, you have to do what works best for your family. So, closing the front door after double checking I had everything, I knew that he would have everything relatively under control. This time around, it will be a little different as we'll both be working in the week but different hours in the hope to avoid having to fork out for childcare for as long as possible and, as an unintentional side effect, avoid each other! {insert whinge about ridiculous childcare costs for working families here}.

Look forward to receiving these again!

I'd say I was fairly lucky to enjoy what I do. It'd be a lie to say everyday was sunshine and rainbows but what job is? I'm not officially back until mid July but hoping that by doing a few days here and there in the lead up to it will make it easier to get back into the swing of things!

And how did it go? Like I'd never been away. The usual phone calls, the occasional swear word, and the same arguments over the office playlist. The only added hurdle was subtly trying to excuse myself from my desk to pump. Working in an office with predominantly male colleagues made this great fun and after my strategically long pause "I just need to go and errr......" was met only with a raised eyebrow, I got straight to the point "use my breastpump". Cue mutual feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment at a mention of the 'b' word!

I met Lee after work at the swimming pool for Isabella's lesson to find that his day had in fact been, quote, 'easy'.

Now, I absolutely did not want the day to go badly for anyone. The thought of Florence being upset without me is heartbreaking but equally, is it bad that I at least hoped he'd find the day challenging?! Two school runs (on time), quite a few dirty nappies, messy mushy veg dinner, some crying and the logistics of holding a baby whilst changing a 5 year old into a swimming costume. I mean really, thats some feat! Definitely not to be sniffed at.

We all finally made it home just before 7 after a few moans of 'I'm too tired to walk, my legs don't work'- and that was just me! After 8 months away from work, I was sooo tired. Granted, Florence is still up every 2 hours or so. This back to work business is going to take some adjusting but I can go back safe in the knowledge that everything is ok. (Until they get ill, I mean, that's a whole different kettle of fish. Jokes- he'll be fine...)

How to bake an election cake

The ingredients

- 2oz of questionable manifestos
- 5oz taxation
- 150ml budget cuts
- 4oz privatisation
- Pinch of strong and stable
- Drop of we're all in this together
- Whole load of mud slinging

It's essential to add glugs of bias reporting throughout the stirring process. Continue to add to taste.

The process 

All a bit messy really! It's best to add the ingredients slowly and mix as you go but hell, we only have 7 weeks. Chuck everything in together and mix as fast as possible. The aim is to make everything a blur and create as much chaos and confusion as possible. Don't worry if bits splash out, it tends to be bits of manifesto. Hopefully when it's baked, people will forget those parts were included in the first place. If you change your mind about any of the ingredients throughtout the mixing process, it's best to wait until the mix is baked. You can then easily remove the parts you don't like anymore. However, you should be prepared that some people liked those ingredients you then take away and they'll be angry that the finished product tastes different.

The bake 

The bake must start at 7am and finish at 10pm. Everyone, if they're old enough, gets a say in how your cake bakes. Some turn the temperature up, others turn it down, some change the shape. Others like to just observe and not contribute to how the cake bakes. If the non contributors don't like the cake at the end, others will be annoyed with them for not expressing how they'd like it.

The finished product 

There's a feeling of anticipation about the finished cake. Although lots of people contributed, it can't turn out how everyone wants it. There may be some burnt bits that leave a bitter taste but other parts might taste good. What tastes good for one person, might not be so good for others. After all, we're all different. Once everyone has tasted and expressed their views, some louder than others, it's time to clear up. A lot of people forget about the cake for another 5 years but every now and then we're reminded about the cake and ultimately, it will affect everyone in one way or another. Someone is bound to notice that part of the manifesto that splashed up the wall during the mixing, only to be hastily wiped away was actually missing from the cake!

Whether we enjoy the finished cake or not, we all had the chance to contribute to it. Whichever way it comes out, I'm sure Mary Berry would agree, it's unlikely to rise evenly and will contain occasional distasteful laairs (layers).