How to bake an election cake

The ingredients

- 2oz of questionable manifestos
- 5oz taxation
- 150ml budget cuts
- 4oz privatisation
- Pinch of strong and stable
- Drop of we're all in this together
- Whole load of mud slinging

It's essential to add glugs of bias reporting throughout the stirring process. Continue to add to taste.

The process 

All a bit messy really! It's best to add the ingredients slowly and mix as you go but hell, we only have 7 weeks. Chuck everything in together and mix as fast as possible. The aim is to make everything a blur and create as much chaos and confusion as possible. Don't worry if bits splash out, it tends to be bits of manifesto. Hopefully when it's baked, people will forget those parts were included in the first place. If you change your mind about any of the ingredients throughtout the mixing process, it's best to wait until the mix is baked. You can then easily remove the parts you don't like anymore. However, you should be prepared that some people liked those ingredients you then take away and they'll be angry that the finished product tastes different.

The bake 

The bake must start at 7am and finish at 10pm. Everyone, if they're old enough, gets a say in how your cake bakes. Some turn the temperature up, others turn it down, some change the shape. Others like to just observe and not contribute to how the cake bakes. If the non contributors don't like the cake at the end, others will be annoyed with them for not expressing how they'd like it.

The finished product 

There's a feeling of anticipation about the finished cake. Although lots of people contributed, it can't turn out how everyone wants it. There may be some burnt bits that leave a bitter taste but other parts might taste good. What tastes good for one person, might not be so good for others. After all, we're all different. Once everyone has tasted and expressed their views, some louder than others, it's time to clear up. A lot of people forget about the cake for another 5 years but every now and then we're reminded about the cake and ultimately, it will affect everyone in one way or another. Someone is bound to notice that part of the manifesto that splashed up the wall during the mixing, only to be hastily wiped away was actually missing from the cake!

Whether we enjoy the finished cake or not, we all had the chance to contribute to it. Whichever way it comes out, I'm sure Mary Berry would agree, it's unlikely to rise evenly and will contain occasional distasteful laairs (layers).